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Saturday, December 26, 2015

'Tis the day after Christmas

'Tis the day after Christmas, and I've just got to admit,
I couldn't be happier that we're finally done with this shit.
No stockings were hung, no sugar plums danced,
no sleighs on my rooftop, not one reindeer pranced.

My wife went to sleep while I watched some porn,
and my kids were all sleeping off an overdose of popcorn
As the twilight deepened I wept at the cost;
another season past tense, another Christmas now lost.

When the stores shook the bell and we heard that ting-a-ling
Like lab rats we ran to buy up everything;
We pulled down the lever to get to the cheese;
but in the end all we were left with was overdraft fees.

If you wonder how Christmas became such a chore,
you can thank all the people who came here before.
They thought up the tree, and they thought up the bows;
they thought up the stockings, whilst calculating cash flows

It is such a filthy racket that I think it's obscene
if the stores would just admit, if they'd only come clean,
they make most of their money in one month of the year
if it wasn't for Christmas they wouldn't even be here!

We're programmed, you see, to dance to their song.
We're conditioned to march when they sing, come along.
We might as well be robots, these stores are so clever
when they play Christmas music we all pull the lever.

Well, I'm cutting it short, this is stupid you see,
as is putting glittery crap on a completely useless tree.
Say "Goodbye" to your money while the department stores cheer.
Say "Merry Christmas and have a happy new year,"
Say "seasons greetings" and "Happy Hanukkah"
and if you're spectacularly dense say "Merry Kwanzaa!"

But whatever you do don't you ever forget,
you've been programmed from birth to buy into this shit.

First you believed in Santa,
Then you found out he didn't exist,
Then you found out you were Santa!

Sunday, December 13, 2015

The Holy Grail of Stupid! Thanks Steve Chapman!

Which scenario is more plausible, thousands of scientists pretending to believe in global warming to get government grants or Cruz denying it to get campaign donations?
That quote comes from an editorial I found at "" Here's another gem:
You have to feel sorry for Ted Cruz. Donald Trump has hogged so much airtime with his cynical demagoguery that the senator from Texas has had a hard time capturing the attention of Republican voters. That is surprising, because when it comes to cynical demagoguery, this is the first time Cruz has ever lost out to anyone.

His patented formula is a mix of repellent ingredients: misrepresentation of facts, baseless smears, exaggerated sincerity and pretended solidarity with the average person. If Cruz tells you it's raining, you can leave your umbrella at home.
I'm going to go out on a really thick limb six inches from the ground and take a wild guess that "Steve Chapman"—the author of the above mentioned psychotic rant—doesn't like Ted Cruz very much.

We won't go into why. We know why ... Okay I bet some of you are demanding to know why "Steve Chapman" Hates Ted Cruz with the kind of Hatred that demands capitalization. Well, since I am a psychic and because I can actually see into "Steve Chapman's" puny little mind I'll just go ahead and divulge the plain truth. You see, Steve is a small "man" and he was abused by his mother ... sexually! ... I'm kidding. I'm just kidding relax ... I'm not really psychic.

But that's not why he hates Ted Cruz. He hates Ted Cruz because "Steve Chapman" desires another ice age, a really long one. That's right, ten thousand years of ice and snow that will eradicate evil mankind from the planet. He probably thinks rats or cockroaches will do a better job as future caretakers of Gaia, in, oh, about an epoch or two.

Let's talk about CO2. Did you know that the Earth is self-regulating? Did you know that plants use CO2 in photosynthesis? Did you know that in response to a greater level of CO2, plants grow bigger, taller, and faster? More plants, bigger plants, and taller plants mean a much greater amount of photosynthesis is occurring than before the increased CO2, meaning that all that extra CO2 is in the process of being converted to oxygen and food. But forget all of that "self-regulation" for now. How significant is CO2 as a greenhouse gas, and what can humans actually do about the temperature, even if they wanted to?

Just how much of the "Greenhouse Effect" is caused by human activity?

It is about 0.28%, if water vapor is taken into account-- about 5.53%, if not.

This point is so crucial to the debate over global warming that how water vapor is or isn't factored into an analysis of Earth's greenhouse gases makes the difference between describing a significant human contribution to the greenhouse effect, or a negligible one.

Water vapor constitutes Earth's most significant greenhouse gas, accounting for about 95% of Earth's greenhouse effect (5). Interestingly, many "facts and figures' regarding global warming completely ignore the powerful effects of water vapor in the greenhouse system, carelessly (perhaps, deliberately) overstating human impacts as much as 20-fold.

Water vapor is 99.999% of natural origin. Other atmospheric greenhouse gases, carbon dioxide (CO2), methane (CH4), nitrous oxide (N2O), and miscellaneous other gases (CFC's, etc.), are also mostly of natural origin (except for the latter, which is mostly anthropogenic).

Human activites contribute slightly to greenhouse gas concentrations through farming, manufacturing, power generation, and transportation. However, these emissions are so dwarfed in comparison to emissions from natural sources we can do nothing about, that even the most costly efforts to limit human emissions would have a very small-- perhaps undetectable-- effect on global climate.
So let's ask Steve's question again, shall we? "Which scenario is more plausible, thousands of scientists pretending to believe in global warming to get government grants..." Hmmm ... "thousands of climate scientists" (with their thousands of families?) who depend on government grants not only to fund their science, but also to feed clothe and house all those families ... or Cruz denying it to get campaign donations? Are we asked by Steve Chapman to actually believe that Ted Cruz gets so much more money from these insane lunatic climate deniers than he does from say the KKK, or the Koch brothers, or why not Lex Luthor too, that just denying AGW is his Golden Ticket to the Oval Office?

Here's another question. How many climate scientists are completely unaware that it is in fact the water vapor in the atmosphere that causes 95% of the greenhouse effect? Do I hear silence? Helllloooo echo echo echo!!!! The answer is none. Not one. Well maybe Al Gore but he's not a climate scientist, he only pretends to play one on TV.

So why not a water tax? Or how about a stove tax. You there eating those boiled eggs! You there! Did you pay your steam tax?

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Have a Whopper Now and Another Later

BOGO Whopper If that link doesn't work, just Google "Free Whopper Coupon."

You say you only want one Whopper? You say that letting a Whopper, or any burger for that matter, sit in the refrigerator ruins it? Well normally you'd be right. The burger glues itself to the bun over time and when you try to peel it off to reheat you end up ruining the bun and have a layer of bread on your burger. The secret is of course removing the burger from the bun before it cools off and then putting that burger in a ziplock bag all by itself. Next you rewrap the bun and veggies in the original wrapper and place all of the above in your refrigerator.

Another trick that I think is very important, is to ask BK to skip the sauce; no ketchup, no mustard, and no mayonnaise. These sauces will make the bun soggy over time. I bet you already have these condiments in your refrigerator! If not put them on your next shopping list. A pack of individually wrapped American or pepper jack cheese, your favorite sauces, and of course a jar of jalapenos to make it great. Lunch and dinner for a little over four bucks.

You're welcome!

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Ending World Cockroach Hunger

Global Warming—aka Climate Change—is certainly a contentious subject. Two phrases come to mind: "The Debate Is Over," and "Hide The Decline." Two epithets come to mind: "Climate Deniers," and "Warmists." Two philosophies come to mind: "inequality is wrong," and "survival of the fittest."

The former—Democrats—want to be Robberhoods and take from those who have wealth and spread it around to those who don't, while the latter, believe that actions and results should bear their own attending rewards and punishments, as they deserve. Democrats think populism is great! They simply parrot whatever the majority are already saying. "The rich are too rich." "The middleclass is suffering." "The poor are too poor." "Inequality is the malady of the day, and we should do away with it." Meanwhile the latter believe that you get what you earn. You live the way you deserve through your own achievements.

Democrats—who want everybody to be absolutely equal—are the primary believers in climate change. Well, isn't that special!?

Climate Change—by the way—is the belief that the richest nations in the world are screwing over the poorest nations. The fact that this idea is so perfectly similar to the idea that the richest individuals in society are screwing over the poorest individuals is <sarc>a completely unrelated coincidence, I'm certain!</sarc>.

If only we could make everybody perfectly equal! Sadly—or perhaps happily—that is not possible. For eons, mankind has competed against each other. Those who succeeded lived and bore their children, while those who failed, did not. Today, that idea is old-fashioned. It's no longer about competing, having children and raising them, it's about being popular! How many facebook friends do you have? How many Twitter followers? Did you get your degree in woman / black / alternative lifestyle studies? Great! You'll need to come up with a couple hundred thousand dollars to pay that off but ... seriously so what? If you play your cards right I bet that it's entirely possible a future Democratic president will simply sign into law a bill that completely forgives all your student loan debt ... because the bank has and you do not. The store has and you do not. The professors have and you do not. The rich have and you do not.


Because McDonalds will keep making Big Macs for the government to take. Because the rich will keep making money for the government to take. Because the rich countries will keep making money to send to the poor countries ... No! They wont! Furthermore, if you could somehow keep the productive working for the welfare of the unproductive, the only thing you'd be guaranteed of, is a massive population increase. You don't believe me? Fine ... Let's do a little thought experiment...

Imagine a family of rats...or cockroaches...or ticks. You go ahead and pick your useless parasite. Could be leaches, could be mosquitos, could be some kind of E. coli bacteria; it doesn't matter for our purposes. The important thing to remember is that whatever parasite you choose, it is defined by its complete uselessness. It produces nothing, it helps no one, it lives only for itself and to produce more of its kind. Now then, imagine a family of those parasites living in your home or your body or your clothing, wherever they'd normally infest. You look upon these parasites with tender concern. Are they doing well? Do they have plenty of food? A warm comfortable environment to live? Is there anything you—as a generous well-meaning host can provide them that will make their lives better? So lets say you picked a handful of cockroaches to look after. You feed your cockroaches. You provide water. When they have a new brood of little cockroaches you provide a warm safe environment and lots of TLC. You little Philoblattamist you! Your little family will need plenty of room to grow. If you run out of room in your own house, you'll need to provide additional homes. If you find that there aren't enough hours in the day to feed and worry over your millions of hungry cockroach mouths, then you'll need to hire some helpers. If you run out of money for all of the above you'll need to apply for a government grant.

As your cockroach population increases at an exponential rate, you'll need to consider ways to control that population. Perhaps you can convince the female cockroaches to terminate their pregnancies early. (I don't know if there's such a thing as a cockroach abortion but these are the sorts of things you'll have to look into.) In spite of all your care, your hope, your good wishes, you'll probably find that the teeming multitudes of cockroaches don't reciprocate in terms of either gratitude, or with keeping their cockroach neighborhoods clean and sanitary. You'll need to provide clean up crews, sanitation workers, health care workers, and DCS workers. (Department of Cockroach Services.) Keep in mind that your job will never get easier only harder. If you do it well however, the day will probably come when you will be the proud caretaker of a trillion cockroaches. Well Done!

Obviously the above example is silly. It was meant to be. It does however illustrate the point I'm trying to make. If people who don't work are given money, and if you give them even more money for each additional child they have, you are incentivizing unemployment, and you are also incentivizing bearing additional children. You will never get employment, what you will get is more children—lots more children, children who grow up to do what their parents did for a living...have lots of children.

But how does all this welfare discussion relate to global warming? Well, they're just similar examples of the same underlying misguided philosophy, the belief that the "state" can do a better job running our lives than we can. Obviously they are catastrophically mistaken.

The Global Warming movement is essentially a plan to transfer the wealth of wealthy industrial nations to primitive third world nations. The usual bills I've seen failing to pass in Congress involve allotting a certain number of "carbon credits" to businesses for the amount of carbon dioxide they are permitted to emit and then requiring them to purchase additional carbon credits in the global marketplace for excess CO2 emitted. It's important to remember that many countries with few or no factories, few automobiles, would be issued these carbon credits by population or perhaps land area and they could then sell these credits—unnecessary credits in their agrarian non-industrial country—in the global market. This is nothing less than global wealth redistribution. It's feeding the cockroaches on a global scale.

You think global warming's a problem now, wait till there's fifteen billion people crowding around the empty trough.