'Tis the day after Christmas, and I've just got to admit,
I couldn't be happier that we're finally done with this shit.
No stockings were hung, no sugar plums danced,
no sleighs on my rooftop, not one reindeer pranced.
My wife went to sleep while I watched some porn,
and my kids were all sleeping off an overdose of popcorn
As the twilight deepened I wept at the cost;
another season past tense, another Christmas now lost.
When the stores shook the bell and we heard that ting-a-ling
Like lab rats we ran to buy up everything;
We pulled down the lever to get to the cheese;
but in the end all we were left with was overdraft fees.
If you wonder how Christmas became such a chore,
you can thank all the people who came here before.
They thought up the tree, and they thought up the bows;
they thought up the stockings, whilst calculating cash flows
It is such a filthy racket that I think it's obscene
if the stores would just admit, if they'd only come clean,
they make most of their money in one month of the year
if it wasn't for Christmas they wouldn't even be here!
We're programmed, you see, to dance to their song.
We're conditioned to march when they sing, come along.
We might as well be robots, these stores are so clever
when they play Christmas music we all pull the lever.
Well, I'm cutting it short, this is stupid you see,
as is putting glittery crap on a completely useless tree.
Say "Goodbye" to your money while the department stores cheer.
Say "Merry Christmas and have a happy new year,"
Say "seasons greetings" and "Happy Hanukkah"
and if you're spectacularly dense say "Merry Kwanzaa!"
But whatever you do don't you ever forget,
you've been programmed from birth to buy into this shit.
First you believed in Santa,
Then you found out he didn't exist,
Then you found out you were Santa!