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Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Primary Motivators

Breathing has got to head the list. After that is hydration and food, followed by sleep. But what about fury? I'd hold by breath for a minute or three if it bought me a turn in the 'punt a liberal for distance' contest. In point of fact I'd fast for three days and three nights and hold vigil abstaining from sleep if at the end of that time I was granted the first move in a game of South Park style Roshambo with an Ivy League professor.

Too bad there's not a fund or something...

In this hypothetical investment vehicle, investors would purchase votes for one dollar a vote. Then they'd use that vote on the candidate of their choice. Finally, after say about ten-thousand votes or so had come in, the votes would be tabulated and a vagrant would receive a 10K bounty to knock the teeth out of the overall winner. What could be more democratic than that?

In fact, when I think about it, that's the kind of vagrant rehabilitation program I could really get behind. I was just over at the Washington Post. Bergdahl release arrangement could threaten the safety of Americans, Republicans say.

How do you like that caveat at the end of the headline? "Republicans say." I linked the comments to the article because if you go to the trouble of reading down through them, you'll begin to get an idea what's wrong. What's wrong is that facts don't matter. Common sense doesn't matter. The only thing that can be counted on is ideological accomplices aiding and abetting a felon as he goes about committing felony after felony.
Of Course the Republican's are going to say that, because they have been totally inept on all fronts of leadership, policy making and decency. These Republican morons are the worst and most dysfunctional excuse for what is supposed to be public service. The one thing the American worker and middle class can always depend on is that the Republican party will never have their best interest at heart!
Keep in mind as you read the comments that none of the liberals addresses the fact that another feature has been added to the primary motivation of a hostage taking Islamic terrorist. Obviously terror is important, but then when you add the opportunity to amass trade goods, i.e. hostages, it's a win win. If you think about it, logically, they could open jihadi hostage banks...
A swarthy gentleman dressed in the height of 8th century fashion approaches a nondescript building in downtown Kabul. He walks in to the dimly lit waiting area and notices a row of chairs with several men dressed in attire much like his own. The soothing atonal melodies of a badakshani can be heard along with the clicks and pops of the ancient vinyl record player they emanate from. After a few minutes Hamaji is motioned into a small office.

"Hokay I have been seeing these commercials on Al Jazeera, and all my friends are like, Hamaji, buddy, better safe than sorry. Think about your family. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for them."

"Well, Mr. Hamaji," says the swarthy gentleman behind the desk, " in my opinion, you've made the right decision coming here. We're a new bank and not HDIC insured as yet, but if the Caliphate goes through as planned—and by the way that project is on the launching pad as we speak—then before you know it your hostage will be covered in case of accidental death or deliberate dismemberment.


"Hostage Deposit Insurance Corporation."

"Ahhh, yes, that makes sense. I was thinking about timeshare," said Hamaji a little bit hesitantly. All these new-fangled financial vehicles made him feel overwhelmed. Life used to be so simple. Strap on a grenade, walk somewhere with lots of people, boom. Simple as that, but nowadays everything had gotten so complicated!

"Time share, absolutely! Listen, you and four other guys basically share one hostage. It's understood that if one or more of you are captured, that hostage is spent on your release. Obviously care and hostage feeding would be your own responsibility, but it's a solid plan. But before you go that route me and the guys were spitballing some ideas in the back, the other day and we thought, hostage mutual funds!

"See what we do, is we collect Iranian Rials, Saudi Riyals, Afghani Afghanis—not the most original currency name—from investors, and we announce a bounty. Then we pay that bounty out for hostages. It's sort of like an insurance plan. Only, we expect it to actually make money for investors as well as providing capture coverage. Eventually the stupid Americans will run out of guys in Guantanamo, and at that point, it will go as a strictly cash-on-the-barrel-head sales management system. We've been talking with some guys in the commodities markets and they're pretty sure this idea is a real money maker.

"So, waddaya say Hammy baby? Interested?"

"Let me talk it over with the guys in my terrorist cell group, they'll talk it over with their cell group, and so on. By this time next lunar cycle I should have an answer. I gotta tell you though, this sounds pretty exciting. I mean, I knew we could blow up evil swine-eating Americans with impunity, but to get rich to boot, it's like killing two Americans with one AK-47 round!"

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