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Sunday, March 30, 2014

Global warming is a threat because...What if?

When you read the scare stories about global warming, they're mostly about flooding. Taken in toto, they're about violently active storm systems, droughts, diminished crop returns, and flooding. But mostly flooding. Surprisingly, the IPCC mentions every scary scenario imaginable concerning the catastrophic threat of rising levels of CO2 in the atmosphere, but they left one horrifically terrifying threat completely unmentioned.

If AGW—Anthropogenic Global Warming—really is really real, folks we're in—or possibly might really perhaps be in—serious trouble. Now I realize that no actual or factual evidence exists—at this time—which in any way tends to even imply that this threat of rising global temperatures is actually real, but what if? If you don't take this threat seriously because no actual and measurable increase in global temperatures has been recorded for nearly two decades, then I say: What if?

What if the computer models are wrong because they're wrong? Follow me here ... what if the computer-model programmers all have some kind of bug in their programs? you see? The global warming science could be 100% on-target but because the modeling applications are filled with mistakes and flaws, they generate all these flawed models. If the IPCC were to emulate a particularly brilliant Harvard-educated president, they'd start by going back to the proverbial chalk board and hire themselves the top computer experts in the industry. That way they could figure out why none of these climate models are representative of actual environmental conditions.

This is simple logic folks! Furthermore, what if stepping on a crack really did break your mother's back? Now hold on there. I'm not saying it happens every time, but what if? What if the act of stepping on cracks in sidewalks posed a genuine life-threatening risk which could be avoided if people would simply abstain from tromping carelessly on the dangerous interstice found between two concrete slabs? I didn't just make this stuff up you know. This is a very real theory, and while it doesn't have the traction of global warming, there are a lot of people working on this theory all over the world. It's the theory of Similarity and Contagion, and you can pretend that it's just voodoo or hocus-pocus but I bet you won't be laughing when you wake up inside a coffin buried six-feet under!

None of the preceding even matters however, because the most dangerous threat of man-caused climate change lies in the possibility of a catastrophic release of perhaps the most dangerous chemical ever before encountered. I'm not going to lie to you, this lethal chemical compound has killed more people than atomic bombs, volcanic eruptions, and earthquakes combined.
What is Dihydrogen Monoxide?

Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) is a colorless and odorless chemical compound, also referred to by some as Dihydrogen Oxide, Hydrogen Hydroxide, Hydronium Hydroxide, or simply Hydric acid. Its basis is the highly reactive hydroxyl radical, a species shown to mutate DNA, denature proteins, disrupt cell membranes, and chemically alter critical neurotransmitters. The atomic components of DHMO are found in a number of caustic, explosive and poisonous compounds such as Sulfuric Acid, Nitroglycerine and Ethyl Alcohol.
For more detailed information, including precautions, disposal procedures and storage requirements, refer to one of the Material Safety Data Sheets (MSDS) available for DHMO:

Thursday, March 27, 2014

What do they really want?

What do they want, these Democrats? I'm not talking about your garden variety run-of-the-mill low-information Democrat, the kind who still believes O.J. was framed. I know what that kind wants. They just want to keep sucking at Uncle Sam's milky nipple. I want to know about the goal of the ones who either make the rules, or provide the payola to the rule-makers. We can't read minds so let's try examining the mystery of what they really want by looking at what they do.

Democrats want more abortions. That's really their biggest plank. If they could have an assembly-line for disposing of unwanted fetuses—well, we can't really call it assembly, perhaps a disassembly-line?—they'd be ecstatic. If they thought they could get away with it they'd have community organizers knocking on doors for unwanted fetuses, like some macabre medieval corpse-wagon carting away black-plague victims. Bring out your fetuses! Clang ... Bring out your fetuses! Clang... Democrats also want more people to be gay. The main stream media has been coordinating this astro-turf slow-clap for homosexuality for going on more than a decade now. And, apparently, even the people who hated the show have been forced to stand up and clappity-clap along for fear of being thought old-fashioned or uncultured. This is classic foolish-emperor-wearing-no-clothing social pressure, and here we are today. States are falling—madly—for homosexuals as though they might be a line of fifty dominoes toppling one-by-one. Hurrah they're married. Why they're absolutely no different than anybody else ...

Now they'll have an easier time adopting and raising adorable little homosexual children. They can travel along—at the government's expense—with their military spouse if he's stationed overseas. They'll also benefit from their spouse's social-security if one of them happens to die from AIDS or whatever other kind of obscure and deadly disease one can contract from exposing one's fragile and sensitive urinary tract to the monstrous bacterial menagerie found inside a human-being's rectum.

Those two planks, pro-abortion and pro-homosexuality—i.e. pro-death—point to the possibility that Democrats desperately desire to keep the population of the United States from increasing. Unfortunately however, they also want more Mexicans and Central-Americans to illegally immigrate here—presumably for their votes?—so this desire conflicts strongly with the population control theory. My, this is a puzzler!?!

Alright, so we know Democrats definitely want more trees. If you watch what they do when it comes to licensing and permits for using private land, as well as all their endless and mindless recycling efforts, the only conclusion anybody could reach is more trees. Less paper, less furniture, fewer houses, fewer people, more trees.

But wasn't it the most successful Democrat of all time—Franklin Delano Roosevelt—who oversaw all those tree-destroying projects? Hoover Dam alone cost us trees in their millions!
Between 1931 and early 1936, when the [engineering and dam construction consortium] turned [Hoover Dam] over to the government, more than 15,000 people had worked on it. When President Franklin Roosevelt officially dedicated it on September 30, 1935, he put a new take on a phrase coined nearly 2,000 years before, when he said, “I came, I saw, I was conquered.”
Franklin Delano Roosevelt—the man who single-handedly advanced the cause of socialism in this country more than any president before or since—was also responsible for the Manhattan Project. Yes, dear readers, it was FDR himself who made the Atomic Bomb possible, and in so doing pushed us far along the path to the tree-killing holocaust of a nuclear winter.

Democrats want higher taxes. Higher income taxes, capital gains taxes, payroll taxes, property taxes, sales taxes, municipal fees and fines and assorted odds-and-ends taxes. To a Democrat, taxes are a win-win. They get richer and someone else gets poorer. It's almost like being able to climb right on top of somebody else's back and ride them around like a beast of burden—a donkey perhaps? They like taking money and they like spending it on something, anything. The Democrats who make the rules are like a six-year-old in a toy-store with a fistful of hundred-dollar bills. They love spending money even more than confiscating money. Seventeen trillion dollars of debt points out how willing they are to forego confiscating money as long as they can keep spending money.

I'm really getting close on this one...really close. They want fewer people and more trees. They like taking money from the rich and using some of it to make more people dependent on government handouts ... they would spend all the money in the world if they had it and borrow it to spend if they didn't ... what does it all mean?

Democrats hate Christianity and find ways to infuriate believers whenever and wherever they can. They love cult religions and religious cults—except far-right Christian cults in conservative states like Texas. They love Islam...not practicing Islam, just the thrill they get from watching suicide-bombing Dishdasha-wearing Muslims walk unmolested past infuriated Christians who are getting frisked and molested by a team of gropey grabby TSA agents. Democrats don't want Christianity in schools. They don't want Christian prayer in schools. They don't want Christian symbols, paraphernalia, books, pamphlets, or student garb depicting any of the above on school grounds. But a Burqa, a prayer rug, and a Koran are dandy.

This just keeps getting stranger and stranger! Democrats want fewer infants born here, but more illegal immigrants to come here. They love trees, but also love dams, roads, and bridges so that more developers can purchase further out-of-the-way wooded glens and then clear-cut the whole thing for a subdivision. They think rich people are too rich and want to take away all their extra money, but at the same time they themselves absolutely love spending money and are themselves fabulously wealthy, for the most part. They hate Christians but love Muslims.

Democrats are a study in contradictions! The only thing all these differing goals have in common is control. Democrats love controlling what other people do. They hate freedoms like the freedom to own a gun, or pray in school, or to refuse to bake a wedding-cake for a gay couple, and they love their own power to force other people to part with money, to part with land, to bend others to their will, or even bankrupt them!

Power, that's what Democrats want, pure naked power. Power to force the unwilling and favors to lure the weak-willed. Democrats desire both the carrot and the stick of government power so that they can climb upon our backs and ride us like the donkeys they think we are.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

When does patriotism trump citizenship?

I think we're there.

Everyday the world becomes a bit more surreal. It's like we're living in Alice's Wonderland and statements like: "Sentence first — verdict afterwards," don't even cause a raised eyebrow anymore. At this point a litany of the abuses America has suffered at the hands of the Obama administration is customary, however let's just take them as read. After enough years filled with bruises, black-eyes, and bloody gashed lips, a battered wife finally just stops keeping score, don't you think?

A narcissistic power-mad dictator is running amok and trampling America's Constitution—like the proverbial bull in a china shop. Worse however, is the fact that Obama is even further enabled in his diabolical machinations by our sycophantic main-stream media with its full-court propaganda press. These facts would seem to be enough to give any American pause, to wonder whether he or she had inadvertently stumbled down into some otherworldly rabbit hole.

Imagine a blind man in his home. He knows where everything is. Each thing is in its proper place and he depends on that. His life would become nearly impossible if he couldn't depend on it. What would he do—what would you do—if in your comparative helplessness, some joker came along and moved all your furniture around? Not once but day after day? And not just your furniture, but the doors? And not just that, but changed the locks, and what was kept in the refrigerator, and the clothing hung up in the closet?

That's how I feel today. I can't depend on anything. Everything I was taught in school, at home by my parents, and all those moral lessons instilled in countless children's television programs and books, are all apparently obsolete, no longer in force, or never were true in the first place. America has come unmoored from its harbor of sanity and it's floating away into an ocean filled with chaos. Worse however is the lamentably sad fact that it's Captain Barack Hussein Obama, drunk with power, who's standing at the helm.

Everyday we hear incredible stories. Stories that should make us pause and start to this still America? Police dress in black armor instead of blue button-down. They shoot first and never ask questions later. Every federal agency from A to Z from the Agriculture Department to the Weather Service has put in its own requisition order for M-16s and half-tracks.

Do you get the feeling that everything seemingly is spinning out of control? All is not lost yet. There's reason for optimism, still. In both Connecticut and New York the people are pushing back and civil disobedience reigns supreme. What will the statist politicos do when their arbitrary decrees are thrown back into their faces? They'll do what Captain Edward John Smith Obama would do, "Full Speed Ahead!" They know what they know and no evidence on Earth could ever convince them of their folly.
Meet Jordan Wiser, a high school senior you might call an overachiever. Enrolled in an Ohio vocational-technical school, Wiser was taking Firefighter 2 and EMT courses to bolster his dream of future public service. “Last year, I completed the law enforcement course,” the 18-year-old told The Huffington Post. “I received several certifications, including the National Terror Defense certification from FEMA, the Terror Recognition certification and (certification as an) Emergency Vehicle Operator.”

Wiser also joined the Army, enrolling the Future Soldiers program, and was scheduled to ship out in August. After his planned military service, he figured he’d embark on a career as a police officer or firefighter.
Long sad story short, school officials searched his car and found that he had a small folding pocketknife inside his EMT kit—for cutting seat-belts—and rules are rules don't you know? He's been charged with a felony, expelled from his school, dropped from Army enlistment roles, and if convicted—as seems likely—will never be an EMT, firefighter, police officer, or soldier. He will likely have a difficult time landing a job at KFC as well.

A good citizen follows the rules, even rules he doesn't happen to agree with or think necessary. A patriot—an ever harder to find endangered species of American—will break some of those rules, if he believes those rules are evil. Dear readers, I submit to you that today this country is teetering on the edge. We're standing, not on a slippery slope—we've slid long past slippery slopes—but at the crumbling edge of an abyss. Worse however, is the fact that Captain Ahab Smith Obama and his band of merry gunslingers are malevolently pushing us over.

When we fall, it won't be death we face. At least with death at last comes peace. No, what America will face is decades if not centuries of grinding poverty, as we struggle back to a place where the ground doesn't shift under our feet, so that one day our descendants will have a place where they can stand. After all, when Rome fell—the closest parallel that can be drawn from history to modern day America—it only took about three-hundred years or so before the Dark Ages finally became history.

*** UPDATE 03/20/2014 4:49 PM CST ***
Last Thursday at Bayside Middle School [in Virginia Beach, Virginia], sixth grader Adrionna Harris came to the aid of a classmate who was cutting his arm. She faces expulsion for taking a razor from the student, throwing it away and convincing him what he was doing wasn’t right. She thought she was doing the right thing, so on Friday she told the school administration what happened. The way school officials responded led to this question: was the school’s zero tolerance policy taken too far?
Here’s what this has to do with zero tolerance lunacy: by taking away the razor before the troubled kid could cut himself, Adrionna put herself in possession of a weapon, even though she threw it away immediately. Punishment was swift and severe:
Instead of getting praise from the school administration, Adrionna got a 10 day suspension with recommendation for expulsion. The interesting thing — the only reason Adrionna got suspended was because she admitted what happened. The alleged weapon was thrown away, and it was her word alone that led to her suspension.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Saving Water

<Warning!> The Sam Kinison video below has some profanity. In addition, some of my comments may also stretch the bounds of good taste. </Warning>

While I was washing my hair I noticed that my shampoo bottle had some helpful advice. The text on the back of the bottle told me I should turn off the water while shampooing and conditioning. I spend fifteen to twenty seconds turning knobs, waiting, feeling the water temperature, turning knobs, waiting, feeling the water. Each adjustment is ever finer and more delicate until—hopefully—perfection is finally achieved. But the shampoo bottle says that—with soap all over my hair and face—I should begin that process from scratch all over again, just so ten seconds of water is not wasted while I'm lathering. Brilliance!

It occurred to me that since we really really want to conserve that most precious substance on Earth—that covers three-fourths of the Earth's surface—we need to open up the old suggestion box and solicit some fresh new ideas. I'm going to list a few of my own below, but I'd really like it if you guys would share some ideas as well. We just have to get a handle on this runaway water wastage before we run completely out!

Suggestion #1

Right off the bat the first thing that occurs to me is that some places have lots of water—sometimes too much water—while others have almost none. Therefore step one in my water conservation suggestion box is: MOVE OUT OF THE DESERT!

Suggestion #2

If you live in California right now, congratulations! You have in your estuaries, some endangered minnows named Delta Smelt. Here are a few facts about your water supply and your so-precious minnows:
  • California’s water storage and transportation system designed by federal and state governments includes 1,200 miles of canals and nearly 50 reservoirs that provide water to about 22 million people and irrigate about four million acres of land throughout the state.
  • In May 2007, a Federal District Court Judge ruled that increased amounts of water had to be re-allocated towards protecting the Delta smelt – a three-inch fish on the Endangered Species List.
  • Because of this ruling, in 2009 and 2010 more than 300 billion gallons (or 1 million acre-feet) of water were diverted away from farmers in the Central Valley and into the San Francisco Bay – eventually going out into the Pacific Ocean.
  • This man-made drought cost thousands of farm workers their jobs, inflicted up to 40 percent unemployment in certain communities, and fallowed hundreds of thousands of acres of fertile farmland.
Very interesting, I'm sure you'll agree. So suggestion #2 in the drive to conserve fresh water for the people and the crops is to NOT divert billions of gallons of fresh irrigation water into the mother-effing ocean!

These are macro-solutions which—if implemented would probably be amazingly successful, but there are micro solutions—like my shampoo bottle—which when—and if—implemented by the people in their homes, at their jobs, on their farms, etc., would also do their own small part to conserve. We should all be conservatives when it comes to water. Be conservative, don't waste this natural resource! Curb your urge to liberally apply water willy-nilly. Remember be a conservative, not a liberal!

You know, this reminds me so much of when I was a small child and absolutely refused to eat my broccoli. My parents would patiently explain that children in other countries were starving, and my refusal to eat these leafy cruciferous vegetables was a slap in the face to them in their desperate plight. I listened carefully to what they had to say, and then asked them for an envelope and a stamp. After all, if starving kids in Africa want my broccoli, who am I to stand in their way? Okay that last part where I came back with the snappy zinger isn't true ... but that there is some damn good repartee if you ever find yourself being dunned and damned for wasting something you happen to have in great abundance when there is somebody somewhere else in the world who would like to have it instead.

This brings me back to water. I live next to the Mississippi Delta. (See suggestion #1) The Mississippi river—one of the largest rivers in the world—is a couple of miles from where I'm sitting right now. We have fresh water, and all it requires to make it potable is a little bit of filtration. Yes, I waste something that is found in awesomely plentiful abundance right where I live, and if you believe I'm somehow being disrespectful to those facing a scarcity of water, then I invite whoever wants to, to come here and haul away as much as they can carry. Hey Californians! Yall come on down and set a spell, then you go on and load up your buckets and barrels and what-not. I won't say nary a word.

Without further ado, some ideas for people who live in over-regulated moon-bat designed deserts and don't have U-hauls:
  • Have dirty car contests. The idea is to make people think washed with water is bad and dirty is good!
  • Shame neighbors that have lush green lawns: "Hey Charlie, nice lawn you got prick!"
  • Take baths as seldomly as possible. Do like the French and douse liberally with toilet water.(Not water from the toilet! That would be wasting it.)
  • When you take a shower, why not wash the dishes at the same time?
  • Do you really need to rinse your mouth and your toothbrush after brushing? Don't be such a wuss!
  • Stop all that water-wasting exercise you do. Sit calmly on a couch and drink beer instead.
  • There's always one neighbor who thinks he's special and just has to have a swimming pool. No I'm not going to tell you to throw dog-poo in the pool. He'd just waste more water draining and refilling it. Instead push his car into the pool. You probably won't have to do this more than twice.
  • For a refreshing and cool drink of water, skip the faucet and lick the window above your air-conditioner instead.
  • If the neighbor with the pool doesn't have a car, you do have dirty laundry. Do I have to spell it out for you?

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Sarah Palin

Watch the whole thing. If there's a defense against Hillary 2016 it's Sarah. I'm not normally passionate. Sarah makes me passionate. I know this country's going the wrong direction and so does Sarah Palin. Ask yourself why. Why does the left hate her so very much? They hate her because she's a killer. She's stared down the sights of a rifle and pulled the mother-effing trigger. Her kid is named Trigg!

If that sorry stinking !@#$ Hillary runs in 2016 there's only one person—one woman—who can beat her. I watched poll-tested, focus-group vetted Mitt Romney, balk. When the moment came, he froze. Candy Monger put in her two-cents and Romney might as well have bowed down and pulled a Bill and Ted! Can you imagine Sarah Palin letting the Candy and Barack tag-team shut her up? This woman has balls bigger than Alaska and when I watched her speech it brought tears to my eyes. Sarah Palin can stop all this insanity. She's the second coming of Ronald Reagan and I pray—even though I know the left-media will move Heaven and Earth to crucify her—I pray that she loves this country enough to stand against What-Does-it-matter Shrillary Clinton in 2016. That's our last shot by the way. 2016 is that last 5 seconds before the bomb explodes. It's that last chance to get up off the mat before the ref counts 10. Help us Sarah, you're our only hope. Imagine the debate. Whatever Hillary Clinton says, no matter how badly she wants to interrupt, all Sarah will have to do is invoke the magical formula...Hillary, what does it matter? At this point you don't matter.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Winter Conspiracy Theory

Thursday afternoon boredom led me to attempt something a little unusual. I got the idea of winter poetry from NEO-NEOCON. She writes:
Just to make sure I receive full appreciation for the arduous work involved in writing [the poem], I refer you to this. It explains terza rima, the convoluted rhyme scheme involved:
Terza rima is a three-line stanza using chain rhyme in the pattern a-b-a, b-c-b, c-d-c, d-e-d. There is no limit to the number of lines, but poems or sections of poems written in terza rima end with either a single line or couplet repeating the rhyme of the middle line of the final tercet…There is no set rhythm for terza rima, but in English, iambic pentameters are generally preferred.
And her poem:


I have been one acquainted with the white.
I have walked out in snow–and back in snow.
I have watched drifts climb to impressive height.

I have felt blizzard winds that rage and blow.
I have shuffled my muklukked, booted feet
And sniffled wanly, crying, “Woe, oh woe!”

I’ve slipped on ice and skidded down the street
And heard those dying voices with my fall*
Then gone inside to fix myself a treat.

“Snow is design of whiteness to appall,”**
My favorite poet would say, with keen insight.
(Just note his name; he’s called “Frost,” after all.)

I’ve heard friends call me wrong, and far, far Right.
I have been one acquainted with the white.
NEO, I liked it. It's fun and quirky and perfectly captures your aggravation at this never-ending winter. For my own effort, I decided to tell a story. For all I know it could be a true story. You see, I know that liberals are not just misguided but actively engaging in darkness and evil. So I put my mind to the question of why on Earth they would want this planet to actually be colder. I came up with something, and I think you'll find it a plot both sinister, and darkly compelling.

Winter Conspiracy Theory

These evil trolls have seen the light.
They hate the rays that burn their skin
A pact is made; it is their right.

Dark science is sought for darker sin.
Freedom for slaves must be revoked
They pervert our knowledge to seek their win.

This land of snow was frosty cloaked.
For five-hundred generations,
Darwin's law was surely invoked.

Ice men solved winter's equation.
They changed to survive the cold.
Western man's frame was no aberration.

Thick of body, stout and bold,
wrapped up in furs driving their sleds,
"Winter is coming," is what they were told

It is ice that they hope brings the dead.
These trolls wish the return of an age,
when the weak were confined to their beds.

The long legged blacks they will rage,
as frost saps their will to prevail.
Warmists have already set the stage.

None alive know what this will entail.
As forests die and green leaves turn brown.
Those "blacks" that they hate are sure to fail.

He wants winter to drive them all down.
Killing the world in his hateful need.
He despises these freed slaves in his town.

His nefarious plans they just may succeed.
And falling sky has Chicken Little in a sorry state.
Killing two birds with one stone is what they agreed.

Genocide for that race all trolls hate.
First keep them in ignorant squalor,
then cause an ice age to seal their fate.

Ignorantly hobbled by the traitors next door.
Learning disdained their minds bound in rage.
"keeping it real," means they'll always be poor.

Thinking outside the box—or the cage,
is so much harder in a beery daze.
Carbon taxes are setting the stage.

Blinded by some science liar's craze
these hustlers just want to take us.
"Global Warming" is a liar's phrase.

Lefties they've raised an awful ruckus.
The grand marshal of this fool's parade,
Al Gore must really want to ... us.

But now that their phony hand is played,
and now that the people know their game,
The trolls' evil hopes will soon fade.

These nightmares they will not soon claim,
and their hopes of genocide will soon dwindle.
Evil racist liberals, they're all the same.

Getting the word out that we can't be swindled.
Don't listen to the warmists' sleepy little tune.
Holy Water on the fuse so their plot can't be kindled.

If you laugh at my story and think I'm a loon,
If you joke and give side-eyes while passing me by,
The fate you were warned of could happen soon.

When your tears are frozen, you won't be able to cry.
So get rid of the warmists if you don't want to die!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Demanding what you have no right to ask

Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md.) demands an apology. Hat Tip PJ Media. This particular issue concerned Chairman Darrell Issa's accusation that Hillary Clinton may have ordered the Pentagon to stand down the night of the Benghazi terrorist attack on the US consulate in Libya.
“Although you have frequently made baseless accusations without evidence to support them, I believe the statements you made on Monday in New Hampshire are the most insulting and unpatriotic accusations you have made during your past three years as Chairman. You may believe this kind of affront is acceptable at a political event with donors who expect rhetoric with ‘red meat,’ but Members of Congress have a higher and more solemn responsibility to respect the Constitution and those charged with fulfilling its mission. As the Ranking Member of this Committee, I ask that you publicly apologize for your statements and withdraw them immediately.”
The quote from Chairman Issa:
“We need to have an answer of when the secretary of Defense had assets that he could have begun spinning up. Why there was not one order given to turn on one Department of Defense asset? I have my suspicions, which is Secretary Clinton told Leon [Panetta] to stand down, and we all heard about the stand down order for two military personnel. That order is undeniable.”
Two people disagree...vehemently! One of them crosses some hypothetical imaginary line. You see, now this person has just gone too far. Before it was a friendly disagreement, now ... now ... he's officially offended. And he demands ... he demands! that the other party take it back. He demands that the other party unsay or undo whatever it is. He demands that his enemy admits he was wrong. He demands an apology. Demanding an apology is nothing more than crass brazen hypocrisy. If it wasn't so hypocritical, I would demand that any person who dares to demand an apology should be forced to apologize. What is an apology? An apology only means something if the person who committed the dastardly deed sincerely regrets its doing. Imagine a serial-killer "apologizing" to the families of his victims ... all he's doing is hoping for a little mercy, the same mercy he never once showed to his prey. A serial killer's apology is the exact opposite of an apology, it's an affront, a splash of salt in an open wound. It's more than an insult, it's yet one more act of darkest evil that our system of justice allows to happen to a grieving family ... but what it is not, what it can never be, is an honest admission of error.

When two friends who happen to disagree vehemently about a particular topic lose their tempers and say things that they later come to regret, I think at that moment there is probably an apology that comes due. But, when two enemies battle, they battle without regret. The only mistake possible is failing to annihilating their foe from the face of the Earth. The gall, the effrontery, the sheer arrogance of demanding an apology from your most hated foe is the epitome of hypocrisy!

You demand an apology Elijah Cummings? Let me tell you where you stand. You stand athwart every dream I hold dear. You stand against every moral standard I hold true. You are anathema, and I declare us enemies from this moment forward. If I see you drowning I will attack your rescuer. If I see you burning, I will hunt for accelerant. If I see you bleeding, I will fill my cup. Do you understand yet? I despise you without reservation! You are my enemy, and as such I desire only one thing from you ... an apology!

Elijah Cummings, you demand that your declared enemy abase himself before you and confess that you are right while he is wrong? Let me tell you something Elijah Cummings. I'm offended! That's right. I demand an apology from you! In the name of all that is right and good I call upon you to abase yourself. In the name of all humanity, from the richest to the poorest, from the strongest to the weakest, from the most exalted to the most despised, for their sakes, for all of our sakes, I demand that you—Elijah Cummings—apologize. You can pick your own method of contrition ... as long as its fatal. Noose, pills, gun, high place, deep water, razor, self-immolation, etc. All of humanity is waiting. Your very existence is the sin. Now tell us that you're sorry!

UPDATE 03/06/2014 6:48 AM CST

Friends and family have informed me that the above apology topic that I wrote about yesterday went too far. They have demanded that I apologize to my readers. So, with genuine and heart felt remorse, I abjectly beg your forgiveness.

I shouldn't have written that if Elijah Cummings was drowning I would attack his rescuer. That was wrong. Obviously there wouldn't be a rescuer, and so I'm sorry. Furthermore, I apologize for writing that if Elijah Cummings was on fire I would hunt for accelerant. I now realize that far from getting distracted I would savor every delicious and fiery drop of schadenfreude.

Finally, last but certainly not least, I apologize for saying that if Elijah Cummings was bleeding I would find a cup. I'm sorry. I realize that I didn't make myself clear. I would find a cup to pour champagne in for a celebratory toast, not fill it so that I could drink his blood. I never meant that I wanted to drink his blood! Gross! Lord only knows what vile diseases and foul ungoodness is oozing through his bloated, disgusting, and grotesque carcass.

No truly sincere apology would be complete without a genuine compliment—a sort of bury the hatchet kind of thing. Therefore Elijah Cummings, I must admit I admire your tenacity in the face of worldwide condemnation. You represent your constituency not only with your heartfelt words, but also with deeds and determination. God put parasites on this giant dirt ball for a reason, and far be it from me to second guess His divine purpose. Even though I can't fathom the need for mosquitos, ticks, leeches, fleas, lice and those like yourself, I believe in my heart that even these seemingly useless vermin have their place here on this good Earth. So, to you and your ilk—ilk means useless parasitic dirtbags like yourself, Eli—I salute you, and may you receive everything you truly deserve.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

We live in two different worlds

Front page on Google News was this link: Proof GOP doesn’t actually care about the poor. Now how could anyone not click that link? It called out to me ... Jack ... Jack ... Everything you thought you knew ... it was wrong Jack! Except of course that once I did click the link all I discovered was that Brian Beutler—the author of the linked editorial—is a moron and a buffoon! As Bugs Bunny would say, "What A Maroon!" Brian Beutler doesn't like facts. I'd even go so far as to say that if you ask Brian what he thinks about facts, he'd tell you they're all a bunch of lies. You can't trust facts. They lie to you. These fact things they come up with cannot be true because if they were true, why that would mean that everything liberals believe is fantasy, fairy tales, moonbeams and wishes upon a shooting star. How do I know what Brian Beutler thinks? Well, he was thoughtful enough to tell us what he thinks, and—based on those transcribed thoughts—I was able to extrapolate his entire philosophical mental pattern. I know, I know it's an impressive skill, but it's just what I do.

Brian Beutler knows that Paul Ryan is an evil fiscal conservative. Conservatives are wrong because they believe in stupid things like facts, statistics, and the lessons of history, instead of Keynesian economics and critical race theory. For this reason—and the fact that people are starting to listen to him—Paul Ryan must be discredited by any means necessary! He must be politically DESTROYED!

When you live in an echo chamber—as do all liberals of Brian Beutler's ilk—you don't have to ask how other people feel. You know how they feel. They feel angry. They feel frustrated. Things are not happening as they are supposed to. Where's the Peace on Earth? Where's the moonbeams, butterflies and where ... where ... where the hell is Tinkerbell? It's not fair! Nothing is fair. Everything is supposed to be fair! If only the people who had more would give the people who had less their extra wealth, why then, that would be fair.

Okay here's the excerpt:
Every time a Republican wins positive press by posing as a tribune for the poor, an angel gets its wings ripped off by the invisible hand of capitalism, which means today, the day after Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wisc unveiled a tendentious audit (PDF) of U.S. anti-poverty programs, is an exceptionally gory day.

My colleague Joan Walsh gets at why credulous coverage of Ryan et al is so frustrating:
“How many times are we going to be told that there’s a “new” Paul Ryan who really, really, really cares about the poor – and whose budget proposals consistently slash programs designed to help them.”
This is an especially large challenge because when (likely) future presidential candidates do stuff, reporters can’t just ignore them and anyhow who’s to say Ryan hasn’t had a change of heart?

Actually the evidence is right there on the first page of his new report. “Despite trillions of dollars in spending, poverty is widespread,” it reads. “In 1965, the poverty rate was 17.3 percent. In 2012, it was 15 percent.” Sounds like a huge bust, right?

Except, there’s a footnote at the end of that sentence, and it reads, “The Official Poverty Rate does not include government transfers to low-income households.”

I’m surprised Ryan included this caveat, even though it’s more honest to include it than to leave it out. Because it also reveals that his critique of federal anti-poverty programs is premised on a metric designed to create a false impression that tons of money has been wasted, when really it’s done exactly what it was supposed to.
As I noted in the title of this post, we—liberals and conservatives—seem to be living in two completely different worlds. Alright Brian, let me try to break it down for you. Paul Ryan said: “In 1965, the poverty rate was 17.3 percent. In 2012, it was 15 percent.” In response to that horrifically damning accusation you said: "[welfare] has done exactly what it was supposed to." Yes Brian, if the point of 17 trillion dollars of federal spending was supposed to ensure that nearly a sixth of all Americans are bound into poverty and which condition shall apparently be visited upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth [generation].

The point—Brian—is that these people are not supporting themselves. Yes, thank you Uncle Sam, for generations of families living on government handouts. Thank you Uncle Sam, for a 90% black illegitimacy rate. Everyone understands that when people are below the poverty line the government will redistribute enough wealth to bring them back above it. That's not the argument, that's the problem! We shouldn't have one-sixth of the country making their living by clinging like leeches to the rest of us.

The point—Brian—is that they're supposed to make their own way. The point—Brian—is that needing that kind of government help ought to shame them into doing for themselves. They are supposed to be ashamed to need that help. They're supposed to feel embarrassment to the point that they finally, finally! do something, anything, for once in their completely pointless and unproductive lives. But they don't. That's the problem. The argument that Paul Ryan and conservatives are making is that giving the poor government money—with no end in sight—is the exact opposite of an incentive to find a job. Giving them welfare—for six generations—is a disincentive to ever becoming useful! WHICH IS WHY WELFARE DOESN'T WORK, BRIAN! You idiot!