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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The sheer orgasmic thrill of no worries socialism!

Yes, I used an exclamation point in the title! I couldn't be more excited...about socialism that is! Gosh I feel just like Billy Mays! Hi One-Eyed Jack here, for Socialism! Good for me! And good for you! Now gimme some! Now gimme some! Mmm good! Mmm good! Real good! Real good!

Imagine that you never have to worry about rent. You never have to worry about the power bill. You don't have to worry about a car note, or retirement, or medical bills, food, entertainment! The list of things that you'll never have to worry about ever again just goes on and on and on!

You're probably thinking: "Well...sure Jack, that sounds great, but what's the catch?" That's just it folks! There is no catch! You get everything you need, and you don't have to pay one red cent for it. It's all absolutely free. You don't need a money back guarantee, because you don't spend a thing!

Okay, some of you probably think I'm overselling this product—socialism!—but it's so revolutionary so incredible that no praise no matter how effusive no matter how hyperbolic could ever in a million years in this ever expanding universe, even begin to do justice to the perfect collectivist awesomeness of this share and share alike concept! That's all there is to it, by the way. Share and share alike.

Some people point out that Socialism! has failed time after time. They mumble under their breath—as though suffering from some political form of Tourette's syndrome—this bizarre litany of names and nonsensical syllables, like: Khmer Rouge, Kulak, Joseph Stalin, Kim Il Sung, Mao Zedong, Ho Chi Minh and Pol Pot.

Irrational fear and sour grapes is all that is, folks. If you're out on a picnic and you have a basket full of food, and a hungry child asks you for a sandwich, with my product—Socialism!—she gets that sandwich and you, well you just feel great about it. What could be more perfect than that?

Maybe you've found yourself in your home, just wandering aimlessly about. Walking around and around your mansion or six bedroom penthouse condo. You don't know what's wrong, but you darn sure know there's a problem. Your problem is that you've simply got way too much space! Socialism is gonna take care of that for you! There's no need for a small family of two or three people to bounce around in a big house with too many bedrooms, too many bathrooms, and all that empty space. Not to mention that every month you have to keep paying through the nose to keep it heated and air-conditioned. Share and share alike will solve every problem!

You say there's no room in the freezer to put any more food? You say you can't even wedge in one more grape, or a single ounce of caviar? This product—Socialism!—is absolutely guaranteed to restore some—if not all—of that refrigerator space you've been missing. You see, there's a whole country full of empty refrigerators and what we do—with Socialism!—is we spread all of that food around to the empty refrigerators. It's genius!

Now some people say, Jack, what about working conditions? What will I be expected to do to make a living in this new perfect utopia of share and share alike? Well folks, you'll just keep doing whatever you're already doing. Unless we decide that we need you to do something different. Then you'll do that instead. But don't worry; whatever we decide you'll enjoy doing, we promise you're going to enjoy doing it for as long as we decide!

It works like this. Suppose you design integrated circuits, and you've been doing that since you graduated from MIT. Every year there's this big hassle where they review what you've done and decide if you get to keep your job. Every year your blood pressure gets higher and the stress gets higher and the bills get higher and if it keeps on like this...yep you're gonna go pop! So what we do is put you in a position where all that thinking and decision-making aren't required. No more stress! Ah, the bliss of low expectations.

I haven't even gotten to the best part! Listen, don't pick up that phone. Not until you hear more complaints! That's right, nobody will complain about your work performance. As long as you keep filling your quota you don't have to worry about a thing. If the parts don't fit together quite the way they should, that's not your problem. You just send it on down the line. No worries!

Are you getting excited yet? I know, I know. There's always a few people out there who wait for the catch. There's always these cynical few who look for the dark cloud wrapped around every silver lining. But this product—socialism!—couldn't be easier to get your hands on. All you have to do ... is nothing! It's so incredible that I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack just thinking about it. OMG! If you want—Socialism!—you do nothing! That's it!

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