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Saturday, January 5, 2013

The solution is as simple as pulling teeth!


Don't you see? If we ban all guns, then and only then can we finally stop all these senseless shootings. Look at Sandy Hook. Look at Columbine. If these killers had not had access to guns then they would not have been able to kill as many people as they did. Perhaps Adam Lanza would have only been able to kill a few kids. Who knows, perhaps the body count would have been as few as five kids and maybe one or two teachers if all he'd had was a sword or a butcher knife. Don't you think our society should put limits on the body count our mass murderers are able to rack up?

Mass-murderers are going to do what they're going to do. We can't stop killers from killing. There's probably a mass-murder gene that scientists have yet to locate. We can't know who's going to blow a circuit or whatever it is that they do, and go postal on us. Hmmm I wonder why they call it going postal?

Yearly loss of life due to gun violence runs in the tens of thousands. And while these deaths are certainly tragic, focusing on merely guns ignores the real problem. Some people just like to kill other people. There it is. We can't change that sad fact. I mean, just turn on your television if you don't believe me. Every channel, hundreds and hundreds of channels hour after hour click click click bang bang bang. If you're watching television I bet somebody is killing somebody else. We're ceaselessly inundated with senseless murders both real and fictional. If it's not a gun it's a knife, or a sword, or a baseball bat. Nope, my television is all the proof I need to have to know that there's no point in trying to stop people from wanting to kill other people.

There's no point in figuring out why suddenly around 1962, everything started going downhill. Perhaps we'll never know why television started becoming filled with orgies of sex and orgies of bloody murder and ... well... you know reality television stuff. It's no use wondering why suddenly it was around this time that children started becoming more and more violent. Likewise, there's no point in senselessly pointing fingers at practices like no-fault divorce and the national child-support registry and trying to blame these misguided policies for the sudden spate of single-parent households. Similarly it's no use blaming unwed mothers for that mass-murder gene they didn't know they were passing along to their bastard children. If some people must kill other people the only solution is to put absolute maximum allowable limits on the number of innocent victims that each of these killers will be able to successfully put into the ground.

But you know what? with all this talk about banning guns, it's my own personal opinion that we as a society are beginning to lose sight of what I feel is a much more alarming statistic:
Dog bite losses exceed $1 billion per year. In the past several years, there have been 30 to 35 fatal dog attacks in the USA annually. Each year, more than 350,000 dog bite victims are seen in emergency rooms, and approximately 850,000 victims receive some form of medical attention. Based on data collected in the USA between 2001 and 2003, the CDC concluded that there were 4.5 million dog bite victims per year, but that figure appears to be rising.
Folks that number again is 4.5 million! If we had 4.5 million shootings per year can you imagine it? The mainstream media would go ballistic, they'd go bonkers! But apparently all this dog-bite tragedy is just flying right under their radar. Not to worry I have a solution. We can't stop these bad-dogs from biting. These dogs are born with a gene that makes them Go Cujo. There's no point in speculating on how these dogs are raised or treated by their owners. It's no use wondering why the same owners keep watching helplessly as their pit-bull yanks the three-foot long chain—which anchors the dog to the same spot where it has been chained for its entire life—right out of the ground! And then seriously injures or even kills the five-year-old girl who's walking by.

No, a solution to this epidemic requires a tough new law on the books. The solution is to de-fang every dog in the country. Don't you see? If dogs had no fangs, then being bitten wouldn't be so painful and injurious. Dogs have teeth so it's obvious that therefore they are going to bite. What we need is a national registry of dog-owners. We make this as easy as possible. When a dog is sold or transferred we make it a law that the information in the dog-owner database must be updated to reflect the new information. Again, make this super easy to do. The object is to create a paper-trail from puppy-mill to distributor to pet-store to owner. We want to encourage as much voluntary compliance as possible.

Now we get down to it. The registration period has passed. Now we have criminals without registered dogs running around. Probably kooky types that "lost" them on a safari or something. So remember those AKC Litter Application forms? Those record every puppy sale, going back twenty years. And those have to be surrendered to the AKC on demand. So, we get those logbooks, and cross reference the names and addresses with the new national registry. Since most Dog Show types own two or (many) more dogs, we can get an idea of who properly registered their dogs and who didn't. For example, if we have a guy who purchased 6 dogs over the course of 10 years, but only registered two of them, that raises a red flag.

I know what you're thinking. What about the puppies born outside of those puppy mills? Well you see, that's the secret isn't it? While the veterinarians are giving these dogs their first shots they'll also be cutting out those dangerous teeth, as well as those even more dangerous reproductive organs. No more dog-teeth, no more puppies, and finally no more panicked rushing to the emergency room with bleeding holes in hands and legs. Problem solved. We can't change dogs. We can't change people. All we can do is limit the amount of damage they're capable of inflicting.

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