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Friday, November 30, 2012

What is Obama?


I have a friend who maintains that Obama is a crutch. He's the guy you can lean on when walking’s too hard. Or he's maybe like one of those shopping-center handi-carts. You will so often see these things rolling around filled with fat person because they don't want cankle dragging across dirty linoleum. I can picture it now: a handicapped person shows up at Wal-Mart and he's all set to go shopping. He's got two fake legs that he can kind of get around on for a short while, but he'd really like to sit down on one of those handi-carts. Unfortunately he can't because every single one of them is already fully loaded up with fat person. Sorry about that you poor guy with no legs, but better luck next time. The Handi-Carts are supposed to be for the truly handicapped but inconsiderate walruses are just gonna do what they're gonna do.

Yeah, I can see where my friend is coming from. Just like the Handi-carts, there's probably somebody, somewhere, who really is a victim of fate. Somebody who made all the right choices but in spite of that still got dealt a really crummy hand by lady luck. Some poor guy desperately needs some help, but can't get the help he needs because cynical and lazy abusers of the system—takers—have grabbed every empty seat, have used-up every available resource. Bureaucracy is a cynical game of musical chairs and the ones who're best at it are the ones best able to quickly plop their fatness down first, because you know gravity works like for them.

No. The crutch idea doesn't quite fit the bill for Obama. He isn't the crutch or the handi-cart. He's more like the guy who notices that there aren't enough handi-carts to go around, so he's going to solve the problem. Most people when they see this problem would think to themselves, we've got to stop these fat people from abusing the system, but that's not how Obama thinks. He sees this problem and thinks to himself that there just aren't enough handi-carts to go around. Obama's the lawyer who sues Wal-Mart because they don't have enough handi-carts.

No that's not it either. The square cynical lawyer peg doesn't quite fit into the round hole that is Obama. Obama's more like a jerry-rigged patch, or maybe a cork. Yeah, it's like there's this rusty barrel filled with the kind of corruption and badness that would scare the crap out of anybody. It needs to be buried in a lead-lined hole five-hundred feet deep and filled with concrete, then forgotten for a thousand years. But, instead of dealing with the problem they decided it was simpler to slap on an Obama patch, or maybe pound in a crumbling cork to fill that noisome barrel's bung.

Or maybe the best way to characterize Obama is as a bowel obstruction. The optimal decision he could make is to get out of the way. If he'd only cooperate, and just go with the flow, he'd finally end up where things like him belong. Instead he just stands in the way, intransigently stopping up the works, and causing pain and discomfort for no good reason.

There are lots of things that can stop up the works, but the worst thing is definitely a tumor. Yeah, I think that's what Obama is. He's a swollen tumor, and building up pressure behind him is waiting a geyser filled with the kind of corruption that would gag a buzzard off a gut wagon. It's filth and blood and pain at near one-thousand psi. When this thing finally erupts, it's going to horrify us. If you're not terrified already, you will be.

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