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Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Winning Friends and Influencing Democrats

Are you ready? We all know how important it is to vote, but seriously, are you ready to really make your vote count? As the daily countdown...counts may be thinking: How do I convince my neighbors to vote for Mitt Romney instead of teh loser Obama? The answer is, of course, you can't! You can't! Don't try. You're just bumping around in your little box and seriously? You're not going to be able to talk anybody in your neighborhood into voting for Romney. Maybe you don't live in a neighborhood that is predominantly Democrat. Well then, it sounds to me like you just plan on preaching to the choir. Grow a pair! Here's what you do: first, rent a house in the hood, because it's time you made some new friends.

This fall the Democrats are going to really push the "get out the vote" drive. They know that when someone doesn't vote it's usually because they are young, or apathetic, or a pot head, or a loser, or jobless, or have no transportation, or hopeless, or all of the above. In short, the people who're not voting, would almost certainly vote for anyone who'd promise to help them continue to do what they're already doing...which is nothing at all. If you want your vote to count you have to stop these losers from voting. Don't let them get out the vote. Your job is to stop the vote.

If you want to relate to your new friends in the hood, you're going to have to practice your Ebonics. Ebonics can seem intimidating, but it has very simple rules really. Make sure to use the plural form of the verb when the subject is singular, and the singular form when the subject is plural. Example: She eat apples. They eats apples. Never use the possessive case for any reason! Example: Who apple dat? Dat Shontay apple. Omit most forms of the verb [to be] and use a simplified form when using past plu-perfect. Example: I going, he going, they going, they was going, we was going.

Sometimes you'll get confused. Chances are that you've just downed several highly alcoholic 40 oz beverages and furthermore someone probably just shoved a cigar stuffed with drugs in your mouth, called a 'blunt.' You need to keep it together. You've forgotten how to talk, but that doesn't really even matter. You'll know what you want to say but it's important that you carefully parse through it before you say it. While your ticking through each word one by one, you'll need to have an appropriate expression.

Try out a confused yet purposeful look in the mirror. Practice it, and get it down pat. Your "patented" look—which should adequately convey the combination of wholesale ignorance, blind-drunken stupidity, mindless drug-induced imbecility, and absolute certainty—will take the place of actual minutes of conversation.

Decide if it sounds too white before you let a sentence come out of your mouth. If you're unsure, just keep repeating the last thing you said over and over, interspersed with 'no-wha-eym-saying...etc.'

Once you can talk the talk, it's time to walk the walk. "This is how we do it," as Montell Jordan might say. Paint your house fluorescent orange with verticle fluorescent green tiger stripes. I know playah, that ain't yo style, but you do want yo vote to count, dontchu? Put that Obama/Biden sign out in yo front yard. Next to it put out another sign that say:

NOVEMBER 05, 2012

Put some advotizement in the paper. Put some broshure at the local Obama campaign headquarter. Stock up on some chip, some dip, lots of wing, and a basement full of 40s. You might even wants to hire a DJ. Right now maybe you thinking the idea is to gets them so drunk they sleep right through election day. Chile, you still bumping around in yo square little box, dog. That night after everyone really lit, have yo DJ seriously blast tha beats. Wake up yo whole neighborhood! That party be so live you just know five-oh on they way.

When five-oh roll up in yo drive way you gonna set off an M-80 in the backyard. You already Wearin' yo blood-stained hoodie. Don't forget to pick-up the tea and skittles, before you stagger into the midst of the party and fall to yo knees. Let dat fake blood drip from yo teef. You gonna scream "Dem cops! Dey shot me! I am Trayvon Martin." (You're allowed to use proper grammar if it's already written on your t-shirt) Then you die, loudly and dramatically.

You may not win an Oscar, but chances are your act of patriotic theater will incite a Democrat neighborhood to literally implode, taking with it a unionized fire-department and a unionized police-department, a Democrat centered polling center, the local media, teachers, case workers, the list goes on and on and on...

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