I don't care about carbon footprints and oil shortages and all the assorted reasons other people dislike SUVs—well, not very much anyway. What I do care about is the view. My number one rule for a person sitting behind the wheel is LOOK AHEAD! There's little difference between a guy staring at the back of a vehicle, and a guy with his head up his own ass. If you're sitting there all relaxed and head-bopping to some tune on the HI-FI, and not looking ahead, then you don't belong on the road with me. Just because your eyes are open and drool isn't running tracks down your chin, doesn't necessarily mean you're awake. You should be able to see through the front window of the car ahead of you. You should notice when the car in front of the car in front of you breaks—by the shine of red tail-lights in the windshield of the car ahead of you.
In many highway pile-ups, a line of cars smash into the car ahead of them, one after the other, because they didn't have enough time to stop—they all had their heads up their asses, or they were tailgating, or more likely both. If you can see through the car ahead of you, then you should be able to stop in time. This brings me to SUVs.
I've noticed that SUV drivers all have several things in common:
1. They all have tinted windows.
2. They love to tailgate.
3. They’re all using a cellphone.
I'm not sure if tinted windows are standard equipment in these behemoths, but I figure this must be the case since I've never seen an SUV without tinted windows. They're tall bulky vehicles and I can't see over them; I can't see around them, and because their drivers all insist on tinted windows, I can't see through them. This means that my number one driving rule has just been negated when one of these monsters is in front of me.
I’m not sure why SUV drivers all tailgate. It’s possible that it’s a point of view problem. They’re sitting there high up in the air, and from this perspective perhaps other cars look like tiny ants and therefore seem far away even when they’re only three feet from the front bumper. It’s also possible that SUV drivers are all just assholes. This possibility seems more likely than the point of view problem, especially when coupled with the aforementioned tinted windows.
Now cellphone use is certainly not confined to SUV drivers, however it should be noted that when a person is driving a five ton vehicle three feet from the guy in front of him while doing 80 mph, and peering murkily through heavily tinted windows—all while yapping non-stop about whatever an egomaniac likes to yap about—cellphone use takes on a darkly sinister association.
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